Categories: all aviation Building a Biplane bicycle gadgets misc motorcycle theater
Scene: an engineering office in Wolfsburg, Germany. 2008.
Horst: Hey Günther.
Günther: Yeah Horst.
Horst: The boss is mad.
Günther: Mad?
Horst: Real mad.
Günther: Why?
Horst: Well... You know that diesel engine you're working on?
Günther: You mean my life's work? The Typ EA 189? The awesomest turbodiesel to come out of Wolfsburg, like, ever?
Horst: That's the one.
Günther: So what about it?
Pause
Horst: The emissions numbers came back. They're bad. Real bad.
Günther: How bad is "real bad?" Stop speaking in riddles, man.
Horst: NOx emissions up to 40 times higher than the US limit.
Günther: Goddamn US limit.
Horst: Yes, but we can't get around it.
Günther: Well... I suppose we could.
Pause
Horst: What do you mean, "we could?"
Günther: Well, I was thinking about it, and... you know how the testing always happens on a dyno?
Horst: ...Yeah.
Günther: Well, the requirement is that we "pass the test," right? And the test is on the dyno.
Horst: So?
Günther: What if the car knew it was being tested? Sounds like something like this map [does clickings with mouse to bring up a complex line chart with multicolored traces] might, well...
Horst: Might pass the test.
Günther: Maybe.
Horst: But that map is undriveable. The car would feel like it was powered by a pair of hamsters fed a starvation diet of rat feces.
Günther: But it would pass the test.
Horst: So...
Günther: It would pass the test. The boss would be happy. Customers will be happy, because they're not driving a hamster-powered rat car. The US testing people will be happy. Everyone wins.
Horst: Everyone wins. Hmm. [Fiddles with company-issued lab coat lapel]
Günther: Everyone wins.
Horst: You're an evil bastard, Günther.
Günther: Practical. I'm a practical bastard, Horst.
Horst: What'll I tell the boss?
Günther: Tell him I found a solution. What he doesn't know won't hurt him, right?
Horst: How long have you been working here again?
Günther: Same as you, about 8 years.
Horst: You've interacted with the boss, right?
Günther: Sure Horst.
Horst: You have encountered, then, the way they want to know everything? Willful ignorance, it is not so much a thing.
Günther: Then tell him. Everyone wins, right?
Horst: There's no other way?
Günther: Hamster-powered, Horst.
Horst: We couldn't, I don't know, install urea injection or something?
Günther: Sure, if you want to delay the launch a year and raise the price ten thousand marks.
Horst: Euros.
Günther: Whatever.
Pause
Horst: Shit.
Günther: Everyone wins.
Horst: He's not going to like this.
Günther: [shakes his head] He doesn't have to. But everyone still wins.
Horst: Right. Everyone wins. Everyone wins. Right.
Günther: That's the proper Teutonic spirit.
Horst: [as he exits] Everyone wins. Right. Everyone wins. This isn't even remotely a terrible idea with world-shaking consequences. Everyone wins.
Fade to black
Posted at 10:07 permanent link category: /misc
Categories: all aviation Building a Biplane bicycle gadgets misc motorcycle theater