Wheelies Cure Erectile Dysfunction, Study Finds

Monday, July 24, 2006

By IAN JOHNSTON, Staff Reporter

LOS ANGELES, California - The National Institute of Highway Safety, working together with the Federal Health Advisory Board, has released another striking study. The results of this five year study suggest, in the uncharacteristically colloquial words of lead researcher and study author Sean MacDonald, "wheelies can keep your willy stiff."

Said MacDonald, "We started this research to determine what was appealing [to motorcyclists] about wheelies." He went on to explain that wheelies are responsible for over 200 deaths per year in California alone, with over 750 riders per year admitted to the hospital after a wheelie-related accident. Typical accident scenarios involve a rider showing off for others, commonly wearing minimal safety equipment, with little or no training.

The combined NIHS and FHAB study followed up on over 500 accidents over the span of five years. The majority of accidents were in California, with Florida, Texas and, surprisingly, Massachusetts following close behind. Where possible, the riders involved in the accidents were interviewed. Some wheelie-riding riders who were not involved in accidents were also interviewed.

MacDonald explained, "We expected the reasons to include showing off for friends or members of the opposite sex, honing skill, or other similar reasons to come out. What we found, though, was that a lot of people would confide in the interviewer that they'd heard wheelies prevent or reverse erectile dysfunction." He credited numerous email (so-called "spam") advertising campaigns, stunt videos, and the large number of recently-established wheelie schools with the dissemination of this information.

At first, the study treated this data as misinformation on the part of respondents, but as more data was collected, a correlation was noticed. In the words of MacDonald, "that's when we called in the FHAB to help out." Sure enough, there was a strong correlation between wheelie riders and unimpaired erectile function, including all age ranges studied, from 16 through 80. He noted that, of riders who include the wheelie in their regular riding regimen, only 3% are female.

"We're really at a loss to explain [the effect]," continued MacDonald. "Our best theory right now is that the upward orientation of the motorcycle, already something of a phallic symbol, exerts a strong psychological, and maybe even physiological, effect on riders." He later said, "obviously, it will take a new study to discover why this correlation exists. More funding is needed."

Of the numerous riding safety organizations contacted for this story, only the Motorcycle Manufacturer's Council responded, with a written statment saying that motorcycles are to be used responsibly, and in a safe manner. The statement did not address the study or possible ties to erectile dysfunction.

Bob Franklin, of Franklin's Performance School in Phoenix, Arizona had this to say: "of course wheelies increase erectile function! Motorcyclists have known that since the first motorcycle which could pull a wheelie." Franklin's Performance School holds a monthly wheelie class which is usually sold out, at 25 students per class. The class costs $285 for two days according to Franklin, and the school supplies safety-modified wheelie bikes.

Despite the findings of the study, MacDonald urges people seeking an alternative to Viagra or Levitra to be cautious. "It may be expensive buying medication to treat the condition, but hospitalization from a botched wheelie is much more expensive." Used prices on wheelie-capable motorcycles range from $1,000 to over $20,000, suggesting entry into this method of treatment can be comparable to long-term purchase of FDA-approved medications. Wheelie school sessions can be had for as little as several hundred dollars.

"We never would have guessed," explained MacDonald of the study's ultimate findings. "Now I know why so many guys like to pull wheelies."

This satire copyright © 2006 Ian Johnston, all rights reserved. Copyrighted and trademarked names are the property of their respective owners.