Somewhere along the way, I started collecting lex text filters. These are commandline filters you can use in Unix, which will take incoming text, and spit out.. "modified" text. They might work in DOS as well, but I'm not sure how you'd do it.

3/28/02 - You can now use the text filters interactively via web form.

NOTE: if you are offended by non-PC attitudes and assumptions, do not read on! These filters can be offensive by today's standards. While it's not my intention to shock or dismay anyone, I'm also not going to prettify reality. And the reality is that someone wrote each one of these filters, most likely because they thought it was funny.

For the purposes of the table below, I'll modify the following text with each of the filters:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

Filter	Background	Output
B1ff	B1ff was a sort of amalgam character, who embodied all the worst characteristics of newbie (your choice of) Usenet users, BBS users, etc. He used too many exclamation points, couldn't figure out how to capitalize things, etc. See his entry in the Jargon File.	F0UR SCORE & SEVEN YEERS AG0 0UR FATHERS BR0UGHT FERTH 0N TH15 C0NT1NENT, A NEW NASHUN, C0NCEIVED 1N LIBERTY, & DEDICATED T0 THE PR0P0S1SHUN THAT ALLL MEN ARE CREETED EQUAL. N0W WE ARE ENGAGED IN A GREET CIV1L WAR, TEST1NG WHETHER THAT NASHUN, ER ANY NASHUN 50 C0NCE1VED & 50 DEDICATED, CAN L0NG ENDURE. WE ARE MET 0N A GREET BATTLEF1ELD 0F THAT WAR. WE HAVE C0ME T0 DED1CATE A PORSHUN 0F THAT F1ELD, AS A FINAL RE5T1NG PLACE FOR TH05E WH0 HERE GAVE THE1R L1VE5 THAT THAT NASHUN MIGHT L1VE. 1T IS ALT0GETHER F1TTING & PR0PER THAT WE SH0ULD D0 THI5.
Censortron	This filter is one that I created in a fit of anti-political fervor. It is intended to find offensive words and replace them with the text "[CENSORED]" -- this isn't a very good demonstrative text for this filter.	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Censortron found 0 offensive words in 11 lines.
Chef	Also known as the Swedish Chef filter, this does about what you'd expect -- turns the incoming text into a very good approximation of what the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show sounds like. If you've never seen the Muppet Show, this will either be boring or slightly offensive.	Fuoor scure und sefen years agu uoor ffazeers bruooght ffurth un thees cuntinent, a noo nashun, cunceifed in liberty, und dedicated tu zee prupusishun that all men are created eqooal. Noo ve are engaged in a great cifil var, testing vhezeer that nashun, ur uny nashun su cunceifed und su dedicated, cun lung endoore. Ve are met un a great battleffield uff that var. Ve hafe cume tu dedicate a purshun uff that ffield, as a ffinal resting place ffur thuse vhu here gafe zeeur lifes that that nashun might life. It is altugezeer ffitting und pruper that ve shuoold du this.
Clockwork	This filter is supposed to change text into something that might have come from the move "A Clockwork Orange," I believe. I haven't seen this movie, so I cannot comment too closely on it.	Four score and seven years ago our fatthe devochkas brought forth on this continent, a what's all this about a new way nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whetthe devochka that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come and get one in the yarbles to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who the devochkae gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogetthe devochka fitting and proper that we should do this.
Feminazi	I think that this filter is meant to mock the overly-aggressive femininsts who've made their various presences known through books, magazines, and other media (probably the Internet also of late, although I haven't looked).	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a postmodern nation, conceived in the penetrated space of liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that deconstructed all men are created equal. Now the dysfunctional group are engaged in the penetrated space of a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that deconstructed war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that deconstructed field, as a final resting place for reevalution of Manichaeanism and those who here gave their lives that deconstructed that nation might live. It is semiotically altogether fitting and proper that deconstructed we should do this.
Jive	This filter mimics the speech of 70's era black culture. If you like this, the "blacksploitation" films of that decade may appeal to you ("Shaft" and "Blackula" being the two examples I can think of right now).	Four sco'e and seven years ago our faders brought fo'd on dis continent, some new nashun, conceived in liberty, and dedicated t'de proposishun dat all dudes are created equal. Now we are engaged in some great civil war, testin' wheda' dat nashun, o' any nashun so's conceived and so's dedicated, kin long endure. What it is, Mama! We are met on some great battlefield uh dat war. Ah be baaad... We gots' mosey on down to dedicate some po'shun uh dat field, as some final restin' place fo' dose who here gave deir lives dat dat nashun might live. What it is, Mama! It be altogeda' fittin' and propuh' dat we should do dis.
Kraut	I think this filter is just a general mockery of the way a native German speaker speaks English -- a long-time favorite of cartoon villians and movie badguys. I disagree with at least one aspect of this filter: native German speakers tend to say "zis" instead of "dis" when pronouncing the word "this." (At least, in Hamburg they did.)	Four score undt sefen years ago our faders brought ford on dis continent, a new nation, konceifed in liberty, and dedicated to ze proposition dat all men are kreated equal. Now we are engaged in a great kifil var, testingkt vheder dat nation, or any nation zo konceifed undt zo dedicated, kan long endure. Ve are met on a great battlefield uff dat var. Ve hafe kome to dedicate a portion uff dat field, as a final restingkt place for dose vho here gafe deir lifes dat dat nation might life. It ist altogeder fittingkt undt proper dat ve schould do dis.
Nakedlunch	The Nakedlunch filter picks certain choice keywords and replaced this with phrases from the book/movie of the same name. This sample doesn't seem to have hit any of those words, but look through the source, and you'll get an idea.	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
Newspeak	Newspeak is my absolute favorite filter of the bunch. The others are fun, but this is a work of genius, and it's nowhere near done. Newspeak is the language that Orwell proposed the State would create and push, in his book "1984". Aside from being a wonderful work of fiction and well worth a read, the language that Orwell proposes is very interesting. This filter tends to work best on political speeches and announcements.	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in crimethink, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. Hail Big Brother!
Urantia	The Urantia filter frankly boggles me. I have no idea what it's referring to (although a quick search suggests it's probably a religion of some kind). I suggest you hit Urantia.org and see if they have anything to say for themselves.	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a agondonter nation, conceived enseraphimed for travel liberty, and dedicated to the proposition Father-initiated divinity-tension all Adamites are mindal created equal. Now we are mindal engaged enseraphimed for travel a great civil war in heaven, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are mindal met on a great battlefield of Father-initiated divinity-tension war in heaven. We have indwell to dedicate a portion of Father-initiated divinity-tension field, as a final resting Satania planet for those who traversing the morontia phases of ascension gave their lives Father-initiated divinity-tension that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper Father-initiated divinity-tension we should do this.
Valspeak	This is the infamous (and less funny now that everyone seems to speak this way) ValSpeak filter. Like, ohmigawd! Yah. I seem to recall that I modified the source a little bit to be closer to true ValSpeak and take out some strange Midwesternisms that were in there.	Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, man, a new nation, fer shure, conceived in liberty, fer shure, and dedicated to th' proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a awesum civil war, fer shure, testin' whether that nation, mostly, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, fer shure, can long endure. Us guys are met on a awesum battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, like, wow, as a final restin' place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is like, altogether fittin' and proper that we should do this.
Warez	This filter is entirely my own creation. After reading hacker-speak for years, and watching websites go down with hacker-ified text put up in their places, I decided I should make it easier to type like a true h4x0r. It may take a second or two to get into the rhythm of the text, but it's possible to read. This filter needs some improvement to deal with special cases which are usually spelled one way ("phreak", "war3z", "d00d", etc.).	f()UR zkor3 4n|) 5EvEn y34rZ 4G() OUR fa7h3rZ BR()u6|-|t ph0rTH 0n 7|-|Yz <0nt!negn7, 4 |\|ew nat!0N, c()nk31v3|) ||\| L|BerTY, 4nd De|)|k|\t3D 70 7h3 PRoP0s|tY0n T|-|at All m3|\| R <RE|\Ted EQU4l. gnoW w3 R 3nGag3d |n 4 gr3a7 k|v1L \/\/4r, t3Sting Wh37h3r th4T na7i0n, 0r ANY |\|4TI0|\| sO cONC3|\/3D 4nd sO D3d!catED, kagn loN6 3ndUr3. we R |~|3T on @ GrEaT B|\tT13phi3Ld 0ph Th|\7 W4r. W3 hav3 COm3 7o d3|)ik473 a P0rTI0n oph T|-|@7 phYElD, |\s 4 FIn4l REz7i|\|g P14<3 for Th()Ze wh0 HerE g4V3 t|-|3|r l1\/3s TH4t ThA7 n|\TI0n |~|!ght 11ve. It I5 41t0ge7H3R Fi7T|NG @nd PR()peR 7ha7 We 5|-|OULD |)0 t|-||s.

Created by Ian Johnston. Questions? Please mail me.